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So, there's that book that's something like Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. Well, everything I ever needed to know, I learned from Zach.

Tonight he informed me that Dolly Parton calls her breasts the Weapons of Mass Distraction. Additionally, each has a name... one is named "Shock" and the other "Awe."

How fabulous is that? Just one more reason why I love Dolly Parton.
posted by Brian at 12:55 AM

 
Love this.
posted by Brian at 7:15 PM

 
Pick your month and enjoy.

JANUARY: Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking
at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and
productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to
make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly
attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has
difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet
easily jealous. Very Stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent
and clever. Changing personality. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and
humble. Honestand loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom.
Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily
hurt. Showing anger easily. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but
rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes.
Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside.
Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Learns to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive.
Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive
to others. Loves to serve others. Easily
angered. Trustworthy. Potential money maker. Ambitious. Outrageous ideas. Has
bright ideas. Appreciative and returns kindness. Romantic.
Attractive and attracts others. Observant and assesses others.
Revengeful.Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. An entertainer.
Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decor's. Musically talented.
Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to
regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves
attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's
problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and
generous. Emotional. Fun to be with. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving
Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Blunt. Follows
the rules.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated.
Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention.
Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs
no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves
to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and
neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and
the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless.
Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Appreciative and
returns kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots
of ideas. Sensitive. Active and strong mind. Sharp and intelligent.
Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best.
Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating
skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends.
Obvious inner and outter beauty. Abiding. Hardworking. Able to show
character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up and shop. Easily
bored. Looks for new challenges. Fussy. Does not give up.
Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious.
Executive. Successful. Stubborn. Humble.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.
Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has
reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's
feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and
unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not
revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary
things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms
impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of
sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No
difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old
friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for
friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems.
Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and
fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console
others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty
for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked.>
Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent
thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream.
Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor
resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving
and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and
organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Needs
to learn to take criticism from others. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm
and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Does work
well. Confident. Sensitive. Thinks before doing. Thinking generous and
carries it out. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for
information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself.
Understanding. Fun to be around. Flirty at times. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure
and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to
bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Needs and loves
attention. Systematic. Financially smart. Physique conscious. Loves to save.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves him. Loves to takes things at
the center. Attractive and suave. Inner and physical beauty.
Does not lie or pretend. Sympathetic. Treats friends importantly. Always
making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated.
Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive.
Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Soft-spoken,
loving and caring Romantic! Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves
outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence.
Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and
brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and
strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in
personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always
thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn
and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never gives
up. Gets angry very quickly. Thinks differently from others.
Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. High-spirited. Well-built and tough.
Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely.
Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not
able to control emotions. Unpredictable. Created the word "REVENGE"

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions.
Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with.
Knows how to have fun. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves
to be loved. Tends to spend a lot of money. Attractive. Honest and
trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take
high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor.
Logical.
posted by Brian at 11:52 PM

 
I forgot to include the funniest detail of the evening. At one point, Robert Evans and Paris Hilton ran into each other behind my chair. Robert Evans puts his arm around Paris' waist and pulls her next to him in very dirty-old-man fashion. He says, "You know, I really do think you are very sexy." She was on her cell phone and as if it were habit she replies in a very giggly chipmunk-like voice, "Thanks. (Giggle) You're hot."

My reaction was to blurt out with complete disregard to anyone around me, "Holy shit! Is Bob Evans really hitting on Paris Hilton behind me right now!?"
posted by Brian at 11:12 AM

 
I’ve always quite enjoyed awards show season since living in Los Angeles. Granted, it’s obviously something I view from the sidelines. But, there is a small amount of excitement that is generated as you drive past the Beverly Hilton and see it primped and prepared for Golden Globe red carpet arrivals or sitting in traffic driving past downtown because the Staples Center is being flooded by Grammy Award attendees.

Last night, however, was by far the pinnacle award show experience.

Greg invited Robert and I to join him for Sunday dinner at Koi on La Cienega.

The sushi was fantastic. We couldn’t have asked for anything better. The décor is very “L.A. mellow” in a high fashion sort of way….of course. We had a great table at the front of the restaurant that all had to pass to get to theirs. Thus began the parade…

First I noticed Nick Lachey walk in and make a b-line for the bathroom. I wasn’t surprised, obviously, for his co-star of “Newlyweds” and wife Jessica Simpson and crew to enter closely behind. My guess is that Jessica opened her menu in disappointment to find neither Chicken of the Sea tuna or Buffalo Wings on the menu. But, while I understand that Jessica is rather unintelligent, after seeing her for the second time, I can only assure you she is quite a beautiful woman.

Soon after Nick & Jessica were seated, I noticed what looked like a magenta-clad Russian figure skater approaching. Upon closer view, this was hardly the case. The Simple Life star, Paris Hilton breezed by hand-in-hand with her boyfriend, Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys. Let me assure you that despite Robert’s opinion otherwise, Ms. Hilton is just as unattractive in person as she is on television. In reply to some likely sex-related comment of Robert’s, the waiter asked, “Paris Hilton is here?” My answer: “Yeah, she’s in the back room making a porno.”

Later I noticed a gentleman milling around on his cell phone near the sushi bar. I thought I recognized him, but couldn’t quite place him. As he moved to seat himself back with his party at the table next to us, I realized it was Anthony Keatis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

In turning to spot Mr. Keatis, another gentleman caught my eye who was unmistakably the ancient producer of The Godfather and Rosemary’s Baby and author of The Kid Stays In the Picture…Robert Evans. While he is only an agile 73 years of age, ol’ Bob looks about 93.

Additional guests were… J.C. Chasez of *NSync who apparently was able to make it to the Grammy Awards due to the cancellation of his performance at the Pro Bowl as a result of “Nipplegate”. And, Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit was a tad irked with the valet when he was bumping his friend’s Escalade into the Mercedes behind it while retrieving it from a spot across the street.

But, the highlight of the evening…and likely of my life came about an hour into the evening. I had noticed a woman at the table next to us (where Anthony Keatis was sitting). I had spent the majority of the evening admiring her incredibly toned arms. I had never really looked up at her face until I heard her voice. It was unmistakable. I said, “Boys, that is fucking Madonna sitting next to us.” And, there she was, Madge herself accompanied by both of her “Guys”…her husband, director Guy Richie, and president of Maverick Records, Guy Oseary.

So, now that I’ve dined with Madonna, all I have to do is get into the Vanity Fair Oscar Party at Morton’s and I can die a happy, happy man.

posted by Brian at 10:16 AM

 
While my weekend unfortunately did not involve undressing cowboys or wiping my vagina with a Taco Cabana receipt... it did involve a rather strange chain of events or sightings, rather ...

Lauren and I headed over to West Hollywood on Saturday night to see the new Bertolucci movie, The Dreamers.

As I waited in line at the ATM, I realize I have just been passed by none other than Christy Cummings of Best in Show.

I climbed the escalator to meet Lauren at the box office and am greeted at the top by Ms. Planet of the Apes herself, Estella Warren and what appeared to be her personal trainer headed into Crunch.

After Lauren and I discuss how frighteningly emaciated Estella looks, we proceeded into our NC-17 rated movie.

As we are searching for a seat I am already a little disturbed at how many elder patrons there are in the theatre. But, I pass it off to perhaps they have been Bertolucci fans throughout the years.

We chose two seats toward the middle of the room. As I am dishing out the obligatory "excuse me, pardon me, thanks, oh, sorry..." I realize I have just seated myself two seats over from Doris Roberts of Everybody Loves Raymond fame. (I myself, however, enjoyed her most in her role as the grandmother in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.)

The movie was tolerable and interesting...slow in parts. There were the usual homoerotic undertones topped off with the additional bonus of near-incest. Let me just make it clear that if you are looking for nudity, this movie will definitely leave you with more than your money's worth.

But, I leave you with the capstone event of the entire evening...

As Michael Pitt's character, Matthew, is taking Isabelle's virginity on the kitchen floor with Isabelle's brother looking on, I turned to Lauren and whispered, "Do you realize that we're watching soft-porn with Doris Roberts?"
posted by Brian at 1:58 PM