Calm to my Chaos |
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Monday, November 17, 2003
L.A. Weekly published an "Entertaining L.A. Style" section this week. One of the stories was titled, "The Rules of Party Conduct. Vaginal Davis teaches you how to be the wife of the party." Well, I think they are good rules to party by. Especially Rule 5. Don't you think? 1. Don't pull a Lipsynka and act all above it. By accepting an invite you have made a tactic agreement to be a cheerful and a willing participant in all party activities unless physica restrictions short of anal warts or emphysema prevent you from doing so. When invited to my Naked Party, you'd better get into the spirit of things and chuck those clothes. 2. Being fashionably late is so mid-to-late-'90s, the soireeic equivalent of identity politics -- snore. ... for formal dinner parties, if your delay will be longer than 30 minutes, just decline the invite. And don't call ahead on your pathetic cell phone to say you're going to be late. I can't tell you how much I hate cell-phone queens. 3. When you first arrive greet your host in a cordial manner, don't monopolize their time by showing off that exotic piercing deep inside your bunghole. No grifting or asking for favors, no matter how congenial the host may appear, and by all means refrain from pimping the host or other guests. 4. Never make disparaging remarks. One locally based, nationally read gossip columnist got her big white panties in a bunch all because at my infamous shindy for the late, famed NYC fashion maven, George Byron, held at the seedy speed-freak cantina The Pub (now the Parlour Club), my invite read: "Do you like cute young white boys with great bodies, and pink puckery bung-holes, who are distant, aloof, arrogant, self-centered and live off a trust fund? Well, you'll feel welcome at the Snow Party." 5. Never try and steal the spotlight from the host. For example: If the host is sucking on a juicy plump penis, don't grab it out of her mouth and stick it in yours." 6. If someone asks you to dance, even if you'd rather undergo a double bypass or hysterectomy, graciously accept and endure it. 7. Don't yawn at parties. If mired in a tedious conversation, yawning won't make the person speaking more interesting. 8. Know when to leave a party. If it's a sit-down dinner, leaving right after coffee or tea is perfectly acceptable. Leaving while your host is flossing and brushing his teeth is not. "like a ghost in an old hotel... hanging on to bits of nothing." from Break My Heart, a track off the new ATB album, Addicated to Music From The Onion calendar for Friday, November 14 - Sunday, November 16, 2003: Friday (Main Headline): "Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes" Saturday (follow-up quote): "According to the General Accounting Office, current funding for pancake-related Alzheimer's research is approximately zero dollars." Sunday (follow-up quote): "Frog battleship now and please put an end to pancakes, pans, cakes, cake pans, pants, snakes, and all they represent, " Maxwell Blake said. 
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