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Thinking about Uncle Bill.
posted by Brian at 4:34 PM

 
If I Squint I Can See Your Hot Ass From Way Over Here Woo

The L.A. City Council has voted to ban lap dances and all other physical contact between entertainers and customers at strip clubs, bikini bars and adult bookstores, because the council is just that snide and silly and daft and hollow and sexless and none of them wants to be seen by their precious constituents as the one pro-sex liberal "radical" who voted to allow desperate and relatively sad Los Angelinos to enjoy a freakin' lap dance, fer chrissakes. A "no-touch" rule would require dancers to remain at least six feet from customers. The council also voted to outlaw "VIP rooms," where nude dancers perform privately. Exotic dancers argued at previous hearings that the ordinance would destroy their livelihood. The rest of the known world has argued that the LA City Council is full of crap and wonders just what the hell is wrong with these little eunuch-like dinks. Supporters of the law argued that strip clubs contribute to prostitution, drug use and violence, unlike, say, politics or the movie or music industries or the Catholic Church, which are wholesome good upstanding sanctimonious fun. "We feel no one, especially us, who are in most desperate need of a good lap dance, not to mention a nice ball gag and S&M whipping and maybe a lithium/Zoloft cocktail, should be allowed to touch slightly skanky if not somehow also delightfully enticing women of the naked and heavily siliconed and well-tongued persuasion," muttered Larry T. Horton, 54, of some hellish manicured tract-home wasteland in Orange County. "Next up: petting zoos! Hands off the miniature zebras, you perverts! Mmmm, ponies."
posted by Brian at 9:01 AM