Calm to my Chaos |
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Wednesday, April 09, 2003
Allie: "WELL! Im a busy blonde who gets booked early." Can we all please examine the undertones and deeper issues involved in this quote? Tuesday, April 08, 2003
Dan Savage is seriously one of my heros. The man is hilarious. An example from his most recent column: The 15-Year Itch I am a 15-year-old kid who lacks self-esteem, self-confidence, and just plain good looks. I've spent my entire life without a kiss from a girl, and even spent a year thinking I was in love with my sister. My right hand is in extreme pain from the amount of whacking I do, and I'm looking for some advice on how to get off my ass and go get that girl. The thing is, girls just don't seem to want me. I even have a hard time talking to girls. Can I get some advice? Boy in Need of Sex There's nothing remarkable about being 15, horny, and hard-up, BINOS. And don't be such a whiner. You haven't gone 15 years without a kiss from a girl. Before you hit puberty, you probably weren't even that interested in girls--so at most you've gone without for three years, not 15. If you can stop wallowing in self-pity, you'll have an easier time keeping your problem in perspective. Here are a few more perspectives you may or may not find comforting: That crush on your sister? That sometimes happens to straight boys. You hit puberty, your sister hits puberty, and suddenly she's a strange new animal, barely recognizable, and soon you're thinking some mighty discomforting thoughts. But then the ol' reliable incest taboo starts whispering in your ear--"She's your fucking sister, you fucking pervert!"--and you snap out of it. If you didn't get your sister pregnant or wind up with a creepy incest fetish, BINOS, you got through it fine. On to your real heartache: Girls don't want you. That hurts. I remember what it was like when I was 15 years old and I wanted boys and boys didn't want me. It sucks. But the sad fact is that most 15-year-old boys are repulsive--that is, most 15-year-old boys are awkward, half-formed works in progress. I certainly was at 15. The fact that girls mature physically more quickly than boys just compounds your misery; most girls your age already look like young women, and most are attracted to boys who look like young men, and there you are, aching for that first kiss but still looking like a short, hairless chimp no girl will look at twice. But take heart, BINOS, because your awkward/repulsive stage will pass--just like that crush on your sister. While you can't hurry the process along, you can prepare. Here's how: Worry less about getting your 15-year-old self laid, and start thinking about getting your 18- or 20-year-old self laid. Join a gym and build yourself a body that girls will find irresistible; read a lot so you'll have something to say to the girls you do attract; and get out of the house and do shit--political shit, social shit, low-stakes shit--so that you'll meet different kinds of girls in different kinds of settings and you'll get comfortable talking to them. More assignments: Get a decent haircut and use deodorant and floss your teeth and take regular showers and wear clean clothes. Go online and learn about birth control and STDs, and learn enough about the clitoris that you'll be able to find it in the dark. I also recommend that you masturbate in moderation--no more than 10 times a day--and that you vary your routine. I can't emphasize this last point enough. A vagina does not feel exactly like a clenched fist, BINOS--nor does a mouth, an anus, tit-fucking, or humping. If you don't want to be sending me another pathetic letter in a few years, you'll vary your routine now so that you'll be able to respond to different kinds, levels, and intensities of sexual stimulation once you do become sexually active. Good luck, kiddo. 
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